Learning (Un)Curve

Zack took me out over the weekend for my first new-shape shopping experience. Cousin Sarah had left "What Not To Wear" for my general edification and enjoyment, and Zack and I carefully studied the "No Boobs" chapter in the car on the way to the store. WNTW suggests halter tops, high necklines, slash necklines, thick sweaters, and tasteful nipple display. (We disagree with nipple display on general principles. One, I don't have any. And two, nipping is rarely tasteful - go ahead and call me old fashioned on this one).

Armed with our new knowledge, we went into the store and picked up short sleeve shirts with every neckline that seemed to fit the guidelines. Our first frightening discovery was that I appear to have moved from a Medium to Extra-Small. Knit tops require a Small, though, because clinging fabric just shows off my ribcage. One of my Thai friends in Bangkok used to tell stories of her US shopping experiences, and the violence of the competition over the coveted XS merchandise. She fought dirty! With elbows! I am in deep trouble.

Zack and I treated this outing as experimental research. I would go in the dressing room, then come out and we'd discuss the merits of each neckline/shirt. Our scholarly debate seemed to amuse various store patrons, but I found (a bit to my surprise) that I just didn't feel like explaining 'I had cancer, a new body shape, etc.' I was having fun.

Overall, we proved the WNTW principles. Halter tops work in theory, as long as I don't care about the port-a-cath scar being flashed (still more tasteful than nipples). Square necks and high crew necks work well, and patterns help disguise the great plain of my chest. Cap sleeves suit well, but 3/4 sleeves emphasize the out-of-proportion chest to waist ratio. V-necks and scoop necks (my entire summer wardrobe)look really silly.

Our discoveries stretched beyond the WNTW coaching. Shirts with little pockets right where boobs go? Surprisingly in. Shirts with darts to accommodate boobs? Out. Way out. Shirts I've NEVER been able to wear - the ones with ruching at a square neck, or ruffles down the front? In. (Though we didn't purchase any. As Zack howled in front of everyone near the fitting room, "it works but it's SO UGLY!" No matter my shape, melon will never be my color.) Those evil shirts with the empire waist and the band across the front? Turns out that it wasn't my boobs that prohibited my wearing them, but my height. Without boobs to hold the shirt in place, the band rode up and sat just under my armpits like an old man's waistband. Hilariously, hugely out.

We did find one shirt that worked beautifully. I even turned a head in the fitting room. Black, mandarin collar, double buttons down the front, linen. Zack cheered when I came out in it. We high-fived at our discovery, then looked at the tags. $80, dry clean only. Sigh. Some things never change.