I had a trip away from home again this past week. Over dinner with a coworker, she related how one of her team members quit his job after his wife passed away from breast cancer. She was in her 50's.
I've gone through this whole experience without truly considering the fact that Lynn could (and still can) die from this disease. Granted, I don't want to obsess on this fact nor to I want to be anything other than optimistic. I have to be optimistic.
But just grappling with that fact for real....the real reality, was hard. I don't feel that I've taken Lynn for granted and I don't think I've yet to stumble in supporting her in what she's going through (A fact that is amazing to me, given my propensity to get distracted), but I still feel that in not letting this point be part of my reality, I might have diminished, somehow, her experience.
The fact is, Lynn can still die of this disease. In the face of that fact, I am still optimistic and will support Lynn through each and every next step. They say that fearlessness is acting without experiencing fear and that courageousness is experiencing the fear and yet still acting. I am in awe of Lynn's courage.
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Zack --
This is a very sweet post and while I don't know you much, I've been with spouses who have gone through this stupid cancer thing and seen it come out different ways. Here is what I have learned jsut being a friend to such spouses (not having gone through it myself)
At some point, things settle down enough for the support person/spouse to really feel what this experience has meant and will continue to mean for you. Like a trooper, you have shoved all of that aside to help Lynn, but at some point it is going to creep in.
I think you are right to sit with those feelings. Neither obsess about nor ignore them. Feel them, think about them, share them, and when you are ready, let them go.
You are a sweet guy.
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