So, after a month of chemo, I've decided that a positive experience revolves around respect for the 20:40 ratio (20 minutes of activity to 40 minutes of rest). If I follow this ratio, I have a good day. If I ignore it, I get overtired (with all of its miserable sequelae: weepiness, soreness, overwhelm,...) or bored (followed by feeling worthless, restless, career panic,...)
It is also clear that there is a night and day difference between week one and week two of the chemo cycle (reference my rather whiny post of a few days ago). Last week I thought I just couldn't do 5 more cycles of this. This week, I am (pretty) sure I can. There is just something indescribably awful about the combination of exhaustion, nausea, and fluttering attention that comes in the first week of chemo. And the sneakiest, hardest part is that there is a tiny possibility that the sick phase won't end until the chemo does in November. That the first cycles were the flukes and that 'now, THIS is what chemo will REALLY be like'. Even a bad flu ends in a week or two. And a rough pregnancy ends with a baby.
Here I am, though, back in a good week. (Praise the merciful stars.) Although my energy is still low, the 20:40 ratio feels like a challenge rather than a limit. ('How much can I get accomplished in 20 minutes?') And I am beginning to think of all the things I've ever wished for long swathes of time to do, or to learn. I am, of course, limited by the 20:40 rule. But, for instance, I could practice sewing pants and jackets in 20 minute bursts. I was thinking that I could check out a combination of fashion magazines and K/atherine H/epburn movies for ideas. (KH movies being great for the :40 side of the ratio).
Still, even with this insight about good weeks, questions remain:
But how to do the 20:40 ratio on the bad weeks? If reading a novel or watching a movie is a 20: side activity, what could possibly be on the :40 side?
I still wake up in a panic about schoolwork most nights. How to write a dissertation following a 20:40 rule? 20:40 does apply to thinking work, too. It feels like being a smart person only 1/3 of the time. (yes, all you people who rely on your smarts, it is absolutely, gut-wrenchingly, abjectly terrifying)
How to make sure, 100% of the time, that Zack knows I'm crazy about him, even though - especially in the :40 parts of bad weeks - he does all the work?
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Lynn's list of top 10 things to do on the :40s:
10. Answer telemarketer calls with awkward silence
9. Further develop telekinetic powers
8. List all first names containing only one letter
7. Prove once and for all that, yes, the dishes really will wash themselves
6. Practice being very, very, very passive aggressive
5. Build up anticipation
4. Work on Hello Kitty impersonation
3. Keep a secret
2. Be an active listener
1. Make a Gantt chart of what to do during upcoming 20 minutes
I love you Lynn!
Even in the midst of all this, your sense of humor and grace prevail....love Scott's list...will think and add more to it tomorrow....one idea, listen to every CD and downloaded piece of music you have.....no repeats....I've always wanted to do that!! Love you lots and lots....Katherine started school today, praise all dieties, so now I have three "K-factor" free windows a week to talk....I'd like to watch every Katharine Hepburn movie ever made....xo B'Sarah
0.5. Remember that your Zack loves you!
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