Tomorrow, Friday, I am planning my first solo venture down to Northwestern. I'm meeting my PhD dissertation advisor, and going to hear a talk by a friend. It will be my longest drive, and longest solo outing since I was diagnosed. It will also be the first time I am out with lots of people that I know, but aren't my inner circle, with my chemo-chic look. I'm a little nervous. Thinking about the trip also reminds me of everything I HAVEN'T done - written that paper, applied for that fellowship, read that book...
I know, I know, what I am doing takes energy, and time, and concentration. And is pretty much the best excuse ever. ("Pardon me, Miss Millman? Can I be excused from gym class? I have cancer.") And, every time I try to do something, I get tired. (I HATE being tired. Ask my mom.)
It would be easier, I think, if I either felt fine all the time or crappy all the time. But chemo feels like having a rotten flu every other week. And, even though the active phase is truly horrible (throwing up is just no fun. even in gatorade technicolor. ESPECIALLY in gatorade technicolor.) I think the off weeks may be worse. Because there is the illusion of being healthy, and productive, and capable. But it is really only an illusion. I am easily overtired, quickly overwhelmed, and just don't have the focus that I need to do intellectual work. But I worry, is it because I haven't tried hard enough?
Sorry, dear readers. This post was meant as a 'hey, anyone who is thinking of being in Evanston tomorrow, I'll be around' notice, but quickly devolved into navel gazing.
I am really OK.
Just tired.
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5 comments:
You are the BEST! No one is more proud of you than I am.
yay! i'm psyched to see you! i'll be at the talk, too, if you'd like to get some tea before or afterward :)
Yea Lynn. We admire your spunk and your courage. Climb that mountain.
mom and dad 2
I think it's fantastic that you feel good enough to take a field trip on your own.
How about everything that you have done? ...overcoming obstacles with courage, grace, and wit. That's hard work even for people as strong as you. Oh, and did I mention...you're one of the strongest people that I know!
Have a great time! (Is it still geeky to say that about school work?)
--Lynette
Remember that those mountains are just molehills in disguise...
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